Raphael and the Firebird
by kyabetsu
Summary: heh. heh. I hope you know your fairy tales 'cause I did it again. ps. no turtles were REALLY harmed in the making of this piece of, e-hem, fluff. Oh and I'm not to sure if I crossed the line on this one w/ the rating, please take it w/ a grain of salt


Here you go Tinselcat!!

So I did another one, because I didn't want to do my homework and this idea was actually the first one, but I wasn't sure how to go about it.  I hope you've heard the Russian fairy tale of  "THE FIRBIRD" because that's what this one's based on.  If you haven't go read it first.  Den de laughter vill be natural, dah?

So, NONE OF THIS IS MINE, except for the story part.

_kyabetsu presents – _

_Raphael and the Firebird_

Long ago in the ancient Russian city of New Yorkevski there reigned a wise old Czar, Splintov.  

Splinter sits on an elaborate throne, wearing a jeweled crown and muttering under his breath, "There's no place like home.  There's no place like home…"

Among all his possessions, the thing he prized most was a magical bonsai tree, which supplied him with enough Valium to cope with his life, his kingdom, his two children, and these horrible fanfiction roles.

"Hold it."  Raphael steps out into the throne room.  "I'm in this story somewhere.  Fine.  But if I end up in drag AGAIN, I'm gonna demonstrate my do-it-at-home, patented, EZ tracheotomy technique on every friggin' soul in this city-- startin' with this punk-ass narrator."  He glares around.  "Ok, we can continue." 

Czar Splintov had two sons.  The eldest was Prince Vasily.

Cue Leonardo in poofy, khaki, knicker pants, a cute little blue vest, and matching boots with fur trim.  He grins and light 'tinking's off his teeth.

The youngest was Prince Raphael.  

_His pants are black, the vest and boots are red.  He refuses to smile._

"My Sons, some one has been stealing my Valium from the magical shrub.  Prince Vasily, you will stand watch tonight and slay them tonight."

"snort!  Vasily?!  What the hell kinda name is that?"  Prince Raphael hid his disappointment at his father's favoritism in sarcasm.

"It's a perfectly normal Russian name!  It's noble!  It's in character!  It—"

"It sounds like you're Prince Vasoline!  Bwhaahaha…"

"I don't have to take this."  Prince Vasoline stormed out of the room.

Prince Raphael followed him, beginning an argument, which ended abruptly.  "Hey!  You know he only calls you 'Vasoline' cause you're such a little wanker!  RUNTCH! SLUD!  Yo, Vasoline?  Hey, you conscious?  Guess not."  Raphael smiled, "That means I get to watch Father's Valium bush tonight and avenge him.  Friggin'A!"  The youngest prince dropped his older brother off at the infirmary and went to see the court magician.

A dark mysterious shape hovered above a strange glowing box, making adjustments and muttering a strange chant.  "Secant, Tangent, Cosine, Sine, 3.14159…, Integral, radical, Mu, Dv, BILL GATES, I DO BANISH THEE!"  The figure pauses.  "I hope that works."

_We see Donatello in long purple robes is installing Linux on a computer terminal._

"Heh, call me 'Grey Wolf.'"  He turns to Raphael, "Okay, so you're gonna go questing and you need some techno-gear-stuff, huh?  Ok.  First, a communicator, if you need me, just call."  Grey Wolf passed Prince Raphael a cell phone.  "The number's programmed in.  'Menu' and '#' to unlock it."  Grey Wolf handed him a tracking device.  "Place the beacon on any smooth surface, you'll be able to follow the 'blips' on your screen here."   Grey Wolf rummaged around under his workstation.  "Oh, one last thing…"  He leaned close to the prince and whispered in his ear.  

"No shit?  Really?  I didn't think they made 'em like that."  Raphael regarded the shoebox-sized package with disbelief.  "Damn, you guys down here in Research and Development must get pretty…"

"Lonely."  Grey Wolf frowned; behind him a Gillian Anderson screensaver kicked on.  

            Prince Raphael guarded the bonsai Valium shrub while his older brother moaned quietly in concussion-induced stupor.  The tree was in the middle of the ornamental garden, far from the infirmary, so Raphael was spared having to listen to Prince Vasoline.  He did hear the sound of an engine, though.  The vehicle rounded the back wall of the garden and came to a stop.  From his hiding place behind the reeds in the koi pond, Prince Raphael used all his skills to define his prey.

"It's a V8 engine.  I'd say ~335 horsepower.  I didn't hear car doors, but I can hear some one scaling the wall, so it must be a convertible."  He vaulted out of the rushes soundlessly and all but flew over the wall.  "NO WAY!  It's a 1967 Regimental Red Pontiac Firebird!"  The prince stealthfully placed the tracker, and settled back against the wall to wrap himself in the shadows as he lusted after the firebird.

_In 1966 one of Pontiac's top designers was assigned the task of transforming the Chevy Camaro, then called the F-car into a true Pontiac. Due to the late design start Pontiac was not ready to announce the Firebird until late January of 1967. By than Pontiac had five versions of the Firebird. The main differences were the engines, which came directly from the tempest line. They offered two 6-cylinder engines and 3 different V8's.  The V8's came with stiffer rear springs with radius rods for better stability, a lower axle ratio, and an optional 4-speed gearbox. The top of the line Firebird was the Firebird 400. It came with a 335 horse powered motor from the GTO. To appear to be inline with the GM horsepower guidelines, Pontiac listed the engine at 325-horse power._ _To keep speeds down Pontiac installed a device that did not allow full throttle. Performance enthusiast quickly learned that this was easily removed. Test showed that the Firebird 400 was marginally faster then the GTO. Some GTO buffs were more then a bit annoyed at this; others joined the growing Firebird ranks.  The Firebird, while being slightly faster then the GTO, dominated the Camaro. The Chevy Camaro did not have a motor that could compete with the 400. The Ram Air option added an additional 25-horse power. This made the 400's hood scoops functional and also changed the engine designation to L64. Included was a hotter camshaft, stronger valve train and low-restriction cast-iron exhaust manifolds. The horsepower was unchanged at 325 but at a higher rpm range, 5200, then with the regular 400. The 400 Ram Air also came with chrome valve covers, air cleaner and oil filler cap. 65 Ram Air Firebirds were built in 1967. 63 hardtops and 2 convertibles. Both convertibles came with automatic transmissions…_

_"Are you done yet?"  Raphael shakes his head.  "I thought I was the one LUSTING after the friggin' Firebird."_

 Dawn arrived and Raph had long since begun his quest.  Grey Wolf's tracker led him to the city dump.  'Goddamn it!  That beautiful bird belongs to the FOOT!'  Raph snuck quietly down the incline toward the vehicle.  Just as he put his hand on the door, his cell phone rang.  "MOTHER F*CKER!  What!?  What was so important that I'm gonna die for it?"  

"Oh, I'm sorry.  Did I interrupt something?" Grey Wolf's voice echoed through the junkyard as the Foot Hordes closed around Raphael.  "Cause Prince Vasoline—

"Vasily!"

"Whatever.  He wanted to tell you that—"

"YOU SUCK!  YOU HEAR ME?!  I can't BELIEVE you would go so far to disobey our father's wishes—" Raphael hit the 'end' button.  Shredder stepped out from the shadows.

_Cue Oroku Saki dressed in heavy furs.  No blades, just a big poofy Russian hat._

"I am no longer the 'Shredder.' I kept getting my armor stuck to things in the cold.  You will call me Mr. Cuddles."  He ceased posturing.  "So, you want the car?  Fine.  You can have it, IF you swear on your honor to go and steal the STEREO OF GOLDEN SOUND from the Infamous MIKEY-P.  I will make a trade, the stereo for the car, your life, and the lives of your father and brother."

Raphael grit his teeth.  "Fine!"

_He exits the Junkyard, killing a dozen or so ninjas, just for effect._

_On the far side of town, the Infamous Mikey-P stretched out on his super-fly extra-shaggy pink recliner of love.  The lights from the disco ball flash and sparkle off his orange tinted glasses.  A gaggle of busty Russian girls in bunny ears and go-go boots_ _surround the chair, feeding him pizza slices and massaging his feet.  His horrible jewelery clashes with his orange leisure suit and green vest._

"Dah.  So Vat you Vant?"

"Mike, can I have the Stereo of Golden Sound?"

Mikey-P sits up.  "Girls, please to leave us."  He watches their backsides as they exit the room, and sighs.  "Dey used to have bunny tails, but you cannot improve on nature's design, dah?"  He pursed his lips.  "I am tinking dat I could part with my most righteous stereo system, but IT VILL NOT BE CHEAP!"

Raphael sighed.  "What do you want in exchange?'

Two burroughs over, Prince Raphael waits under the cover of darkness.  Rusmilka Aprilonovna, the most beautiful news lady in the city prepares to enter her car.  Raphael swoops out of the darkness, bearing her away in his strong arms.

"LET GO OF ME!  I'm a LIBERATED WOMAN!  You cannot charm me with your intensely masculine ways.  Or your impressive physique.  Or your enigmatic silences.  I will not succomb!  DAMN YOU'RE HOT!"

Thus it was that though the Prince had promised the bring Aprilononva to the Infamous Mikey-P in exchange for the Stereo of Golden Sound, he could not bear to part with her.  So they fooled around for a few hours instead.  

After some time, Prince Raphael escorted a lovely young lady into the apartments of the Infamous Mikey-P.  "I have brought the woman as promised."  

"Faboo!"  He snapped his fingers, "Bunny Clan, give to him the Stereo of Golden Sound!"

The Stereo was wheeled out and Prince Raph headed on to the city dump alone.  He put his cell phone on vibrate.  This time he entered the dump bearing the stereo equipment and set it up in the back seat of the Firebird.  He put the music on at full blast and dismembered the ninjas and Mr. Cuddles to the sounds of some kick-ass German Techno and Death Metal.

He swung by Aprilononva's apartment, and picked her up.  "Who did you get to take my place with the Infamous Mikey-P?"  She asked as she leaned back in the Russian winter wind.

Turning down the stereo, "Grey Wolf gave me an automated inflatable doll.  The batteries'll last about two hours before they fail and he puts out a hit on us."  

"Life on the edge."  Her perfect teeth snapped at him and her felt her nails on his neck.  

"We have time to stop."  They pulled into a Motel Six.

We see Leo on horseback.  His head is bandaged; his clothes are ragged.  He rides down the center of the street with murder in his eye.  

Prince Vasily had gone in search of his brother.  In his pride and anger, the continual insults to his honor and that of his father would not stand!   When he found Raphael, he was gonna give him a stern talking to!   

The hit men from the Infamous Mikey-P never gave him that chance.  Mistaking him for his brother in red, they gunned Prince Vasoline down for showin' disrespect to da man.

Prince Raphael inherited the throne.  Mikey-P sent him a Bunny girl as a coronation present, just to show there was no bad feelings.

_MORAL:  Sibling rifle-ry affects us all. _


End file.
